Committed relationships are not for everyone. Occasionally you may find that your partner is lacking in one area or more but you aren’t totally ready to call it quits. So you begin your search. It’s like sending out your resume while you still have a job. Lucky you! Now you find yourself involved with two people. Or maybe you know of someone in a similar situation but was caught too soon or was accused of cheating and you thought, “Man! They should have done this or that”. Well now here is your go to guide from cheaters to help keep from getting caught while cheating.
- Putting pass codes on your cell phones are a no-brainer nowadays, just don’t do it in front of your partner.
A. When browsing the ‘net, be sure to use the “private browse” function on your computer. It doesn’t store your history.
2. Make sure to put your cell phone on vibrate before you get around your lover, it is less conspicuous. If your phone has a “silent” function, even better. Sometimes the “vibrate” mode is too strong and you can actually ”hear” the vibrations. It would suck to be you if you don’t respond.
3. If you met your partner on any of the dating sites, or any social media site where others can leave comments on your page, make sure you:
A. Let other people know you are in a relationship and acknowledge your commitment/devotion to your partner occasionally, this keeps your partner at bay for a while.
B. Do not arrange dates with someone from the same site. People have been known to plant bait – other people acting interested to see if their partner would fall for it.
4 Know your place and play your position. You are the extra – the jump-off, not the main squeeze. If you are the one they are cheating with, then make sure you and your partner have a plan mapped out in case of suspicion and/or confrontation and stick to your stories.
This will avoid conflict if ever you are contacted by the main partner. Do not say you are a cousin, or any type of relative. That information can be too easily verified.
If you are ever caught together, use the “former colleague/boss when you were in high school” or in some cases, earlier story.
5. If you are ever accused of cheating, do not admit guilt, ever. Accusations mean nothing. Now if you do get busted (it’s because you didn’t read our tips on how NOT to get caught) accept responsibly for your actions and move on forward.
Never insult your mate’s intelligence by saying:
a. it wasn’t you, but someone else, or
b. it’s not what you think
6. If your partner ever gives you electronic devices as a gift, disable them before you head out to meet your lover. GPS tracking capabilities are installed in virtually Everything.
7. If you are cheating, this cannot be stressed enough. CASH is Not just KING, but an absolute REQUIREMENT. Do not make purchases for your lover with your credit or debit card; do not pay for tickets or dinner with your card, EVER. Taking the extra time to stop at the bank and make a withdrawal large enough, around the time you need to make a withdrawal just to have cash on hand so you don’t raise any eyebrows.
8. Get a pre-paid cell phone that you can dump after your affair. Keep it on silent and keep the phone away from your home.
9. Avoid communications on social networking sites like Facebook with known former lovers. Facebook and the other sites have become the way for lonely individuals to attempt to reunite with old high school crushes. Even better – Do not even add them.
10. Establish an alternate email address. Use one of the many free email service providers not one you already use. Ie, if you are known to use hotmail, create an msn email account, if you have msn, use yahoo!, and so on.
11. Stop saving messages! Yeah it’s nice and fun and sometimes erotic, to re-read and look at them, but get rid of the messages. Period. End of story. You will avoid lots of headaches if your lover discovered them.
12. If you live with your partner and make arrangements to go out with your lover, do not put on the good looking undergarments. Put on the everyday ones. Take an extra set of underwear. Find an excuse to go to the bathroom and change your underwear out your lovers view. Put on the “special underwear” you want to wear for your partner. When you are finished with your rendezvous, put your regular undies back on and Mail your “special underwear” to yourself. Ladies, wear a pantyliner in your regular “going back home” panties in case your love juices still happen to flow out of you. Worried about smelling like sex or the condom? Simple. Buy a sample sized bar of the soap you normally use at home, take it with you, use it after your loving, then Toss it away.
Hey, having extra lovers is more costly than you think.
13. Condoms are a must. For any sexual experience. Oral – use dental dams, or slice a condom lengthwise and cover the vagina or anus. You don’t want to risk even the slightest bit of suspicion. Give head with the condom on. Don’t get caught up in the moment thinking you want to taste your partner. They are there for one purpose, to let you get off, not think they’re in love.
Make sure you use the same condoms with your new partner as you use with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Buy Lots of them. It’s easier to count the number missing from a 3pack of condoms than it is to count those missing from several dozen.
Also, it’s ok, to:
- Drop an open condom on the floor or have some other mishap with it.
- accidentally put-on a condom the wrong way. This way, the unexplained used condoms can be shrugged off by saying, oh baby, we sure went crazy.
14. Keep your hairstyle low maintenance. Ladies, we all know you want to look extra sexy for your intimate interludes, however, it’s one thing to throw your clothes back on, but it’s easier to jump in your car with your hair in a ponytail and still look coiffed.
Take it with you! Your fluids. Didn’t we learn anything from the Monica Lewinski/Bill Clinton scandal? Any trysts outside of your relationship demands the additional purchase of portable sex gear! Invest in moisture proof bedroom accessories that can be collected after your passionate night out. No wet spots on the bed, no raised eyebrows.
Following these methods won’t guarantee you won’t get caught ever, it is how to get away with cheating on your mate a little longer.
It is a Lot of work maintaining covert relationships. Communicate with your current partner. Let them know what you really want. Be sure you are really ready for the commitment to be in a relationship and the work it requires to maintain one.
Coming Soon: How do you tell the person you think you love that their sexual performance is trash
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One of the interesting things about working with the embracedesires team, besides discovering new and exciting playthings for our boudoirs, would be our conversations. We recently talked about the variety of sex toys on the market and how improved they have become over the years. One of our friends joined the conversation and brought up the old, hard plastic and jelly-type dildos from decades ago (*gasp! Do people still use these?) and asked “Why doesn’t embracedesires carry them as a cheaper option for our consumers.” After being picked up off of the floor from passing out (OK, so we were a little bit dramatic), and with all of the glam and fabulosity of our inner drag queen, we said…
Call us divas, but we have standards.
Improving Relationships, One Fucking Couple at a Time 